Rachel Berry Does Not Like Spiders
by iamJugsTheClown
Summary: One-Shot. During a study session with Puck, Rachel has a visit from a not so pleasant creepy crawlie... Rated T for lots of F Bombs and allusions to mature themes.


**I really have no idea what's gotten into me. I have a WIP that needs my attention, yet I can't stop writing about Rachel… and by extension, Puck. But yeah, thanks to FreedomOfNight for the prompt. You just happened to think of the one thing that gives my lovely partner in crime ThatIsRedic the heebie jeebies. She HATES spiders! But she came up with the hilarious concept. So thank you both.**

The Alerts, Favorites, and reviews combined are seriously blowing my mind. Thank you so much. It's very encouraging to know that people enjoy our wackiness as much as we enjoy coming up with it.

Gosh. Enough with the acceptance speech ANs over here. Sorry. My bad. Glee does not belong to us.

**Rachel Berry Does Not Like Spiders**

"C'mon, Babe! It's been like six weeks!" Puck whined as Rachel once again pulled away from his lips. "I'm starting to turn blue." He said pointing towards his crotch.

"Calm yourself, Noah. It's been four days." She corrected easily as she resituated her shirt and skirt back to their impeccably unmussed state.

He tried to pull her towards him once again but she halted his actions by placing her palms on his chest. "Noah." She warned. He smirked and went for her neck where he nuzzled close and placed sloppy open mouthed kisses from her collarbone up to her ear.

Rachel giggled in spite of herself. "Noah, really. We have to study." She should pull away. She should push him off and move to the other side of the living room. She should not be trying to suppress the moan that threatened to pass through her lips at the moment. "Finals are next week and we have to be well prepared. I understand that it's senior year and while you have seemed to have a case of "senioritis" since seventh grade these exams still matter." Her words were breathy as she clutched at his shoulders unsure if she was holding him there or trying to keep him from getting closer.

She was talking. Like a fuckin' lot. Why the fuck was she talking? "Rach…baby…you're kinda killing my mojo here." He pointed out while he turned her head with his thumb and began to work the other side of her neck and collarbones.

She sighed, deep and content. Then when he nipped at a tender spot just under her jaw she shook her head and pushed him away. "We can't, Noah. We need to study and your sister is 15 feet away." She stood from the couch and again brushed at her clothes with shaky hands. "I don't want her walking in on us doing…anything." Rachel said as she crossed her arms over her chest to signify the end of the discussion.

Puck was in pain. He was so fucking ready that he contemplated going as far as pretending to have to use the restroom and just take care of it himself. He let his head fall back on the cushions of the sofa, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Jeez. Fine. Whatever." He stood as well and headed for the kitchen. "You want a drink?" He asked brusquely over his shoulder.

"Just water. Please." She said and rolled her eyes. She wasn't upset at his curtness. She was used to that and it's not like she wasn't just as antsy to spend some alone time with him as well. She had needs too, you know. Four days for them was actually kind of a dry spell. Since the very beginning when they'd become sexually active they usually engaged in intercourse at least every other day. And usually that was only because their schedules didn't allow them more time. But right now they really needed to study.

Acceptance letters had already been received but Rachel was not going to slack off just because she could see the next stone to jump on in her pond of life. _Just one more week and then we'll have the entire summer to _not_ study._ Sighing, she slumps her shoulders and dropped to her knees on the living room floor to get situated and spread all her books out on the coffee table. She grabbed her favorite pen and notebook. As she went to pick up her Economics text book from the floor she gasped and jumped back on her heels.

Now, Rachel did not like to hurt any living thing. She believed that all beings had a soul and she did not want to cause harm or pain onto another living creature. But good God on Earth Rachel hated spiders. And right there. On her Econ book. Was a spider. Brown with black beady eyes and a large bulbous body. She could practically feel the fine hair on her arms standing at end.

It was just sitting there. Staring at her. Like an old western showdown. She looked around frantic. _Should I kill him? No, I can't kill him. Do I call Noah? Where is Noah? Why is he taking so long to get me a damn glass of water? Oh God. Did it just move? It moved. Damn it._

After a split second freak out Rachel tried to compose herself. "Alright. You're a grown woman, Rachel. You don't need a big strong man to come and save you from a harmless little spider." She spoke to herself in a low stern voice. She took another moment and made a decision. With a determined nod Rachel cleared her throat and continued in a low voice.

"Excuse me, um… Mr… Spider? You happen to be causing me unnecessary stress by positioning yourself on my Economics textbook." She stated calmly. She had the piece of mind to at least look embarrassed at her actions. "I would be happy to help you find a more suitable place to take up residence as Econ is the subject I need the most reviewing in, so I really should begin with my study schedule as soon as possible, seeing as how Noah has gotten us way off course with his need for physical intimacy." _Ok, so I'm a little insane. I'm trying to reason with a spider._

However, lo and behold the spider began to take slow steps off of the text book and found its way on to the carpeted floor of the Puckerman living room. Rachel beamed. "Oh! Thank you, Mr. Spider! I truly do appreciate it." She quickly and deftly picked up her textbook at placed it on the coffee table next to her notebook.

When she looked down at the spider again, who was still slowly stalking towards her, she squeaked and shuffled back a few inches still on sitting back on her haunches. She chuckled nervously. "Of course. How inconsiderate of me. I promised that I'd find a more appropriate setting for you." She was anxious now. She didn't actually think she'd need to touch Mr. Spider or get anywhere near him. She held back a shiver. She most definitely did _not_ want to touch him.

Mr. Spider, though, didn't relent. He stalked towards Rachel in his small calculated little spider steps and Rachel shuffled a few inches back again feeling her feet come up against the ledge of the fireplace. "Now hold on, Mr. Spider. Just give me a second to think. I need the proper tools for transportation. This is not my residence so I'll need a moment to find something to carry you to your next location." She was being ridiculous. She knew that.

But as she's looking around the living room trying to find something, anything, she could use, out of the corner of her eye she sees Mr. Spider hop. _HE FREAKING HOPPED!_ "Hey! Now, there is no need to get pushy over there, mister." He hops again. Twice more. Rachel whimpers and scrambles to her feet to stand a few feet off to the side with her hands on her hips in indignation. _Of all the…and to think, I was going to help him._ "You stop that hopping right this instant! Or I will…" She looks around for something intimidating, "drop Noah's Government book on you! Don't you push me, Spider!" She threatens, throwing the pleasantries out the window. Mr. Spider hops again, higher and farther this time. He lands much closer to her than she expected and she screams and runs behind the couch.

Finally Noah returns from the kitchen with a glass of water in one hand and two cookies. One was halfway sticking out of his mouth and the other in his free hand. He breaks it in half and talks around the cookie. "What's the matter?" He asks a little muffled.

Rachel points over to the other side of the living room where Mr. Spider had landed just moments before. "Spider. There's a spider over there." She hates the small tremor in her voice. Puck turns his head and spots the spider now on the fireplace ledge. "Oh." He says and stalks over to him.

"Be careful! He—" STOMP! "Hops." She finishes dully. Noah looks back to her smiling brightly like he'd just saved the day. But his smile fades when he sees the dejected look on Rachel's face. "Babe. What's wrong?"

"You killed him."

"What? You were screaming over here like you were auditioning for 'Nightmare on Elm Street, The Musical', Rach. I thought you wanted me to take care of it." Sometimes this girl made him dizzy. And not in the good way.

"I know. It's—fine. I'll be fine." She tries to smile up at him as he just stares down at her blankly. "I'd like that glass of water now. I'm a little thirsty." Noah nods and hands it to her numbly. He notices slight pooling of moisture in her eyes but says nothing. Never drawing her gaze from the spot in front of the fireplace Rachel takes a long pull from the glass and sets it down on the side table. He is still standing there watching her, clearly confused. Finally taking in his expression she smiles at him softly. "Thank you, Noah. For—saving me." She steps forward and wraps her arms around his midsection and squeezes him tight, settling her head into the center of his chest where it fits perfectly like it always does.

"Sorry. I didn't know you wanted to keep it as a pet, Rach." He teases her while the hand not holding cookies sweeps softly and soothingly along her back.

She giggles. "I'm always kind of up and down on you, aren't I?" She asks and Puck's hand stills on her back. He flicks his eyes to each side and his lips slide into a mischievous little smirk.

"That's what she said, babe." And he starts laughing, pleased with himself and his juvenile comment.

"NOAH! That is not what I meant!" Rachel screeches as she pushes away from him again. "Now go get a napkin and clean up Mr. Spider off of the fireplace and your boot. Then get back in here and start studying for your Government exam! Go!" She ordered him with her arm raised and index finger pointing in the direction of the kitchen.

Puck held up his hands in mock surrender while walking backwards towards the kitchen taking a big bite of the cookie in his hand and tossing her a wink. "You're the boss, babe." Puck said making Rachel huff but unable suppress the amused grin on her own lips.

**Don't you love how Rachel can know exactly how insane she sounds, but still keeps on conversing with a spider like it's no big deal? And Puck, feeling like a super hero for a second and rescuing the damsel in distress… awwww…**

Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope it got a smile out of you. :D


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